I’d like to preface this by saying that I will write two posts on the state of Florida. To be honest, for this post, I’m going to use something that I wrote previously about Florida. Tomorrow , or maybe even later today, I’ll post my “serious” review of Florida. Enjoy!

Florida is The Fire Swamp: Remember in The Princess Bride when Westley  and Princess Buttercup were trying to get away from Prince Humperdinck and they fled into The Fire Swamp? Florida is the living embodiment of The Fire Swamp. You can go to Florida and skip Disney. The state is it’s own theme park called Nature Is Trying To Kill Us. Don’t believe me? On a good day, everyone there still has to worry about sinkholes opening up and swallowing their house or car.

Occasionally when it gets cold down in Florida, there are literally frozen iguanas dropping out of the trees. Another time the problem was monkeys with herpes.

The Fire Swamp had the R.O.U.S.’s, aka the Rodents of Unusual Size. Florida has  I.O.U.S. Insects of Unusual Size. In my research for this Phil Factor I came across two news articles. One referenced a Florida infestation of “giant mosquitoes” called gallinippers that are “20 times the size of normal mosquitoes.”

Their bite is described as “being stabbed or having a hot nail driven into your skin.” Delightful huh? But it doesn’t end with mosquitoes. There are also giant, “rat-sized, tire puncturing” African snails invading Florida. That’s got to be all kinds of fun when you step out in your bare feet to pick up the morning paper.  And seriously remember the R.O.U.S.’s in the movie? Tell me those didn’t look and walk like alligators!

One last thing you have to worry about in Florida is the mythical “Florida Man”. Just for fun, go to Google and type in the phrase “Florida Man” and your birthday, just month and day. I think you’ll enjoy the results.

Alright, I guess I’ve had my fun with Florida. Despite it being a fire swamp, there’s a a lot to like about Florida and I’ll get to that in my next post. Have a great weekend and safe travels! ~Phil

Author

Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com

4 Comments

  1. This is a fun concept !!

    ….When I think of Florida, I don’t think of fire swamp. I think of their beautiful beaches. A lot different from the beaches in California. I’ve only been to west coast beaches once, but I found them to be more Rocky then beautiful white sand of the East Coast and eastward gulf coast. So yah, The gulf coast eastward gets more beautiful. I live in Louisiana and have been to several of their beaches many many many times.

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