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Yes, those lonely flip flops (🎵stepped on a pop top🎵)  and towel right next to the “the hotel hot tub” last weekend were mine. Admittedly, I’m a hot tub guy. Yes, I know saying that brings to mind images of a guy with gold chains and a red velour robe that he drops just before stepping into the hot tub au naturel. Trust me, I’m not that guy. But I’d bet that Will Farrell is.

Picture courtesy of NBC and Saturday Night Live

Let’s be honest, under the best conditions, hotel hot tubs are a dicey proposition aren’t they? Not knowing how often they’re cleaned and chlorinated makes me wonder if I’m stepping into a bouillabaisse of bodily fluids. But, sometimes I just can’t ignore the seductive siren song of those 104 degree bubbles.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have some standards. I always avoid the indoor hotel hot tub. If it’s indoors I imagine people leaving the hotel bar with drinks in hand and slipping into the indoor hot tub and doing God knows what.

The outdoor hotel hot tub is another matter altogether. It’s out in the open where 200 people can see it from their rooms constantly, so I have a little more confidence that it hasn’t been anyone’s personal petri dish. Also, if I want to use the hotel hot tub, I do it in the morning, imagining that no one has used it in hours and the chlorine has killed off whatever might be in there.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Last Saturday I was on vacation in Florida and all my conditions were met. The hot tub was out in the open, it was a bright, sunny day and I headed down there at 9:00 a.m. The hot tub was empty. I walked by to find a lounge chair to leave my t-shirt and Kindle on. Upon walking back to the hot tub, to my horror I found two people in the hot tub. It was as if they had magically materialized there in the 30 seconds I had my back turned. But the worst part was that not only was this couple in the hot tub, the were in the hot tub if you know what I mean. She was sitting and he was kneeling between her legs facing her and they were full on making out, with tongue! At 9:00 in the morning!

I was on vacation and would not be deterred. I aimed my lounge chair directly at the hot tub, sat down and waited. Not like a creepy psychopath seething with inner rage, but more like a nice normal guy pretending to read a magazine while seething with inner rage.

Bob’s Burgers-Fox Television

After about ten minutes my low level creepy stalking paid off. They got out of the hot tub and began to walk away. I launched myself from the lounge chair and flip flopped over to the hot tub as quickly as possible. But on the way there, the impossible happened, I was distracted. I was approaching the hot tub as the couple was walking away and I couldn’t help but notice the woman’s caboose. But I didn’t notice it in the  “Ooh! That’s a nice derriere” kind of way. I noticed it in the “Yikes that’s a lot of ass showing at the hotel pool when there’s kids around and people have just eaten breakfast” kind of way.

Don’t peg me as a prude just yet. What I noticed was that it wasn’t apparent as to whether she was wearing a thong or if she had the world’s worst wedgie (www for short). When I decided that it was the worlds worst wedgie, I wondered if it was that way when she got in the hot tub or if their amorous activities had led to that. Of course that thought led me to wonder what amorous activities I might not have been able to see from my lounge chair vantage point.

So after pondering that for nearly seven seconds, I hopped into the hot tub anyway and found a jet that hit that tight spot in my lower back just right. As I began to relax, to my abject terror, they came back. And they got in the hot tub with me! Having zero interest in how they created the www the first time, I fled that hot tub like it was on fire AND full of snakes.

Fortunately, the next day I was able to have a nice solo soak. Have a great Saturday and safe travel! ~Phil