I have never seen Snakes on a Plane, but I often see jerks on a plane. Here’s the story of one of those flights…
Oh it’s a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol~ Johnny in the 1980 movie Airplane!
Travel is always good fodder for a blog post and my trip this week was no different. Here are some things I learned waiting in the security line:
1) If you’re over 75 you don’t have to take off your shoes or jacket. Apparently TSA believes that there is a mandatory retirement age for terrorists.
2) TSA also believes that only medical professionals wear scrubs and the rest of us are completely unable to obtain these super secret garments. While waiting in line I noticed a guy behind the cordoned off area in scrubs. Then a few minutes later I noticed he was well ahead of me going through the scanner.
In summary, I’m going to dress up as an elderly physician next time I have to fly. I’ll be through security in minutes. Unless of course I have to get my hands dusted. When I went through the scanner, an alarm pinged. I quickly checked my pockets thinking I might have forgotten some change. No, I was informed, I had been randomly selected to have my hands checked for explosives. I flexed my biceps and replied, “If you want to see something explosive check these out!” Needless to say, after hearing that line the entire security area, passengers and TSA, broke out in lighthearted laughter. Lighthearted laughter in the security line? Just kidding, that would be a first.
Almost as soon as my plane left the ground chaos ensued. We weren’t given permission to move about the cabin but suddenly people were getting up and running willy-nilly in the aisle because it was a little chilly. It looked like an elementary school hallway at dismissal time. Overhead compartments flew open up and down the plane as panicked passengers grabbed coats and blankets. The captain came on the p.a. announcing he was turning up the thermostat. Holy crap, I thought to myself, what a sense of entitlement these idiots have if they think it’s ok to violate FAA safety regulations because they might be a little chilly for a few minutes. If I was the incognito federal marshal on that plane I’d have been tempted to stand up and point my gun at these dolts telling them to sit down and shut up. Or maybe I’d just show my biceps again.
The worst offender of fashion and airline etiquette was Captain Denim. He was a roughly 60 year old gentleman with greasy hair receding in front but long enough to reach the collar of his denim jacket in the back. He was also wearing denim jeans with the elaborate, bright stitching that draws your attention but also makes you think This guy really doesn’t have the kind of ass he should be drawing attention to. As soon as our plane touched the runway Captain Denim popped out of his seat and took down his Volkswagen-sized suitcase and planted it in the middle of the aisle. The flight attendant had to tell him very sternly three times to put it back in the overhead compartment until we reached the gate. Again I thought about pulling out the biceps but I figured this wasn’t the place for my particular brand of vigilante justice. And I didn’t want to get laughed at.
Seriously, I do want to thank TSA and the airlines for getting me safely from place to place. They do a tough job and do it well. Writing a blog is tough too and if you like what you read here please hit the Facebook share button below.
Have a great weekend! ~Phil
